You did remember to take a full page ad in 'Adulterer's Weekly'? Jesus!
Lydia, get in the car, will you?
How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?
He didn't even pay the bill? Of course not. What do you think?
Um I'm, I'm just... Would you excuse me, please? I've just remembered I, I'm...
What do you mean you want to see me?
Jesus Christ, Gerry, what... How did you get in?
One of the waiters is, is a, a friend of Russell's
He got me a ticket. It's a great do, Helen
I, I hear your company's really taken off...
Gerry, you can't just turn up like this
This is a really important nights for me
Yes, I can, Helen
I can 'just turn up'. It, it's the most important 'just turn up' I've ever done
Oh God. We, we can't talk in here
We've been through too much just to drop this. Haven't we? Surely
Helen...
...please, look at me
I'm sorry
Really sorry
You're too good not to fight for. The last...
Oh God, Gerry, don't talk about fight. I...
Good looking bloke
Are you seeing him? Er...
I, I'm sorry, it's not my place to ask
Is that him?
Guess so
Does she know about Claudia?
No
I really like her, Clive
I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly
Gerry, I really have to go back inside
Will you come and see me, Helen?
Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say. I miss you
Will you come and see me?
Please, Helen
I'll go.
Thanks for listening. I...
...I'm really proud of you
Are you okay?
Yes. Just a bit dizzy
Too much champagne
Oh, sorry
Bye now
Hey... It's official... I love you
Thank you. You're... you're a genius. I'm ecstatic
Have you, er, have you seen James?
Yeah. Yeah, he had to go... early start. He apologised
Business trip... Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry
His secretary wasn't very forthcoming
D'you believe he's away?
Don't know
Or do you think he's just avoiding you?
I don't know
Did you leave a message?
No
D'you think maybe you should have? Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?
I don't know
D'you think he might be hoping you've called and not known that you have?
I mean... did you not check if he has a mobile?
Anna! Ease up, will you? Bloody hell!
They have less questions than this on 'Jeopardy'
I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone. I felt awkward
Well, it's such a piddly little thing. It's hardly worth him getting up tight about
Oh, Gerry called by the way
Terrific. That's just...
Two months ago I want Gerry to come round, James comes round
Now I want James to call, Gerry calls
It was the weirdest dream. You were there
And you had a funny mask over your face...
...and you had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it
Well that does it, I'm afraid. I'm, er, taking away your class one drugs for a week
Anyway... um... there's something else I wanted to tell you
I fainted at work the other night
Oh, sweetheart. Are you okay?
Yes, but I don't normally faint so I, um...
What was that?
I don't know. The people next door are plainly engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual
I may pop in later and introduce myself
What were you saying?
Anyway...
...I don't normally faint so I was a little curious...
Oh shit...
...I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath
God, sounds horrific
I know
Ssshhh! Anyway...
Listen, there, there's the landlady.
She keeps coming up with these, er... corned beef sandwiches
Look I, I'll phone you back when, er, world war twelve has stopped for tea. Okay
Okay, bye
So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant
I just though you might like to know
Have you gone completely insane?
What are you trying to do?
What do you mean 'what am I trying to do'? I think I've broke my toe
Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake
In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here
She thinks I'm on a research trip... along. Remember?
I remeber
Don't worry, I remeber. It's pretty hard to forget
So what are you trying to do? Huh?!
Coming in here... screeching the place down when I'm on the phone
Don't you know, Gerry?
Don't you know what I am trying to do?!
I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry
I am trying to win you back!
It's fairly simple. I am standing on the platform at Limbo Central...
...with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase...
...waiting for the Gerry fucking Express to roll in...
...and tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train
Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed
...as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City!
"We suggest you take the bus!"
That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!
Except it's quite clear...
...that that is never going to happen
Is it?
No reply
Perfect
So I... I'm not waiting any more, Gerry
I am cashing my ticket in. I am taking that bus
Oh God...
I tell all my friends "never go back"
Look at me, I must be crazy
Don't phone me for a while
Ow! Oh! No... don't phone me at all!
Ever!
It's over!
Again!
I've done it, Russell. I've bloody done it!
EXcellent. Congratulations. Done what?
I've finished it
Oh, the book... Oh well, great, mate, that's great
Not the book, not the book, Russell
I'm a novelist, I'm never gonna finish the book...
The affair!
The sordid affair with Lydia
I've blown her out... in Dorset
I was decisive but fair
I've just got back
Oh God, I feel like I've got out of jail
No more deceit, no more I ying to Helen. It was such a mistake
"Never go back", Russell. But it's over
God, I can't tell you it's such a good feeling
Well, I'm, I'm very pleased. How does she feel about it, Lydia?
Well, you know, she's not jumping through hoops obviously, I mean...
...but, but it's the best thing by far. By far and away the best thing
I mean she, she knows that. I mean, she will do when she...
well, she was upsel I mean bit farught, you know... obviously
Oh God, oh God, oh God, I feel good
I've got to go home. I wanna be home before Helen comes back from work
Er, no
Because you never buy me flowers when you're meant to...
...let alone when you're not meant to
So, yes, I'm a little suspicious
I want to know what else you've been doing that you're not meant to
Wait, hang on
Let me get this straight 'cause this is just about brilliant
I buy you flowers on a whim in a...
in a, in a fit of, of, of, um, of romance but...
See... you couldn't even think of the word
But instead of being, of being grateful, instead of being 'romanced'...
...you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced in some decrepit tacky,
underhand clandestine affair!
In a nutshell
Gerry?
Are you back?
I missed you so I came home early to see you
God
What are they?
Well they're flowers
For you. Um...
...d'you not like them?
That image of her sitting on top of you, oh God, I...
...I, I really don't know why I agreed to come
Please stop, Gerry, don't, I, I don't want you to touch me
I'm, I'm sorry. Um, um, don't go
Please try and... put her out of your mind
She's, she's out of mine
It's finished... over
I made a mistake. Such a big... big mistake and I'm sorry
I'm truly, truly sorry
I mean this new bloke, this James Hammerton that you're seeing...
...does he not make mistakes?
How do y ouknow his name?
A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant
They're... mutual friends. I... I mean, it's not especially important
Well I don't want to talk about James Hammerton or anyone else. I have to go
Oh, by the, by the way I've, er...
...I've stopped writing the book
Helen... the truth is I can't write without you
I can't do anything without you
I want you to come back to me, Helen
We were so good together
Remeber, remember how good we are together?
Sorry... Just wait
Yeah?
I'm late, Gerry... Four days. I'm never late
Oh, Russell. Er, look, hi
Er, look, mate. Look, er, can I ring you back in a few minutes, yeah?
Yeah... Yeah, okay. Okay. Thanks, mate, cheers. Bye
It's, er... Russell
I'm, I'm dying for the loo
Telephone number 01714443184
To return the call press three
Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that
What's going on?
Gerry, answer me. Who's there?
It's Helen actually. We met once
I interrupted you faking your orgasm
Sorry I can't be more specific
You know what I was thinking?
You're not going, are you?
You wanker. You sad, sad wonker
God, I feel like such a mug!
The useless, no good...
...shagging, horrible, despicable, I ying...
...two-faced pissing, shagging...
You said shagging
You know the worst bit?
All I could think about was James
I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there
That sounds like the best bit. And you were
He didn't call, did he?
That's nearly a week
I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?
I blame British Telecom. All this new technology
This number if you want to know who called...
...another one if you don't want them to know you called...
...itemised bills, take away the first number you thought of
I mean they are single-handedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman...
...to a life of terminal monogamy
What are they after? The Nobel Peace Prize?
And Lydia might be pregnant
Oh no more, please... I can't take it
Oh this is terrific stuff
I must say, being with you makes the wait for the next episode of
'Seinfeld' much easier to bear
I didn't reckon on things turning out this way
Everything's a cock up. What's going on?
Well... to use boxing parlance, if I may... it's quite simple
You've just lost
Are you sure? You've been a bit...
...I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back
I know
Well, okay... there are a couple of things.
Which one do you want to hear first?
I don't mind
Well the 'small'thing is that I've got an interview for a job
A PR job, a proper one
International company opening up in London
Chairwoman herself called, said she had heard a lot about me and...
she's invited me to her apartment tomorrow evening for a serious chat
Jesus Christ!
What?
Jesus Christ, I mean that's... that's not a small thing, that's... that's huge
I mean it's... I mean it's... it's brilliant. I mean that's the best
Is the blind buggered again?
No. Er... no
Well, I...
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, I'm fine, darling. My sweetheart, that's great, it's tremendous
I'm thrilled. I'm so thrill...
Hello?
I really need to talk to you
Hi, Russ. How are you?
Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight. It's important
Ah, really, mate. No, what a drag
Oh no, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure. Sure, sure, yeah
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you
Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate. Cheers. Bye
It's Russell's family is descending unannounced
Yeah, he wants me to, er, go round tomorrow evening and,
er... help him clear out, er, his spare room
Er, right. Okay. So...
Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?
Doesn't matter. It's not important
Hammerton Enterprises
Rachael, I'm going out to the shops
Can I get you anything? No thanks
Are you okay?
Yes
Yes. Yes, I'm fine
I just... you know, I go to the shops, just I'll be, um...
Sorry
Hello! Hi. Hi Hi
How... how are you?
I'm... I'm great
Er, how are you?
Sorry, you're great
Business lunch?
Yeah, just a chat, you know
Well my office is just round the corner
I know. Um... I, I, I thought you were away on business
Yeah, I was. I just, I, um, got back last night as a matter of, er
Helen, look, please don't think that I, that I...
Ah... it's okay, I... I haven't thought
I mean I, I, I didn't think that or not
No, I mean... don't think that I have not called you
I haven't 'not' called you
I mean, I don't... I don't mean I haven't 'not' called you
because that's a double negative...
...so as to say that I 'have' called you
When did you call?
Er, well I, I didn't
But I... I didn't 'not' call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you
Oh dear
I wanted to call you
I even did that dial all but the last number thing and then not, er...
It's... ridiculous behaviour
Totally
You see, I... I thought you still had to deal with, with your other, er...
Gerry?!
Well I don't know, is that... yeah, if...
And I thought it was best if I allowed youto...
Gerry is why you haven't called me?
Well, after Clive's party I didn't want to just presume that you'd, that we had
You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen that I come across?
Sorry, nervous humour
Well I hoped not
Sorry, excuse me
Hello?
Oh, I see. I'll, um...
...I'll come straight away. Okay, thanks
My... mum had to go into hospital
She's had some tests done. The results are through. I should, er, go
Do you want me to come with you?
Yeah, that's really nice of you
Er... well maybe, um...
I don't... she's quite frail and I, and I don't know how she's gonna...
It's okay
but, um... thanks
I'm, er, well some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight...
...if you're, if you're not doing anything, you want to come along
Well some other time
I'd love to if that's okay
Yeah, yeah. Of course, crikey, it's, it's, it's very, very okay, yeah
But well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I'll pick you up at eight
Is that a 'will' pick me up, or a 'haven't, not, didn't, might'?
Listen... don't worry about your mum. She'll be okay
Remember Monty Python
Well I'll see you later
Bye
How are you? Yeah, just... you know...
Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?
I haven't told him yet
Never seems to be the right moment somehow
Come on... let's celebrate with a proper drink
Bloody marvellous idea
I really shouldn't in my condition but I'm really going to
What have you got?
Um... brandy
Oh, no, yuk. Makes me vomit
Half day?
James?!
Since last night?
Sorry
You can't tell from one
They can be inaccurate
I bought three packets
Two in a packet, that's six
You can tell from six
What are you gonna do?
Is James Hammerton in?
I'm afraid not
Um, do you know when he's due back?
I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife
Would you like to leave a message?
What?
Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you
Um... no, thank you
There's something I want you to know
Anna doesn't drink Brandy, Gerry, it makes her vomit
and those glasses were not used at the party
They only come out for special dinners, you know that
Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?
Are you having an affair?
Just tell me yes or no
No, I'm not
Helen, look into my eyes
I am not having an affair
I'm not
Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now, I've got to go to my interview
We'll talk later
Are you going to be here when I get back?
Yes. Of course
Helen... listen
Good luck, okay
Hello
Hi, Anna, is Helen there?
You've got a damned nerve phoning here
What?
Anna, please, just open the door. I don't know what's going on
You dono't know what's going on?
I'll tell you then. She saw you, James, at the hospital. With your wife
You know, the one with the wedding ring
What is it with you bloody men? We're not just here...
Anna, let me see her. I can... She's not here
Where is she?
What's it to you? I don't know
Oh shit, shit. Bollocks
Oh God. You idiot!
Clive, you seen Helen?
No. Why?
Helen!
Helen... Helen, you've made a mistake
Oh, I am such an idiot. Helen, look at me
Listen to me, please
No, you listen! I never want to see you again
I have been throught enough for one year
I stupidly believed that here was a man who was different from 'men '
But it is clear that I made a mistake
Now please... do me a favour and go away!
I am married, Helen, but I am separated
Walk away if you want but take this with you
The woman you saw today was the woman I married three years ago
We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced
Nothing aggressive
I didn't tell you before because...
...I don't know why, I... I have wanted to tell you so many times and
...and now you've found out another way I wish I had told y ou
My mother is ill in hospital as you know...
...and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were okay still for my mum
As a favour. She's a very decent woman
Do you have a mum, Helen?
Ten minutes, Lydia
And don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that
It's over. You know? You said it yourself
I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking
I just want to show you something
Oh, Helen...
if we are not gonna be together then let's make sure it's for the right reason
And right now there is no reason, none
there is just confusion and it can be erased in a split second
Get that, would you?
Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...
Who is it?
Oh, hello again. You're right on time
Is this the truth, James?
Permission to engage the enemy, sir?
Thing is, I can't take the interview just now
I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby
James...
...there's something I have to tell you
I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen
Er, I really should just phone Anna and tell her I'm okay
Helen
I love you
Helen, wait, please. Wait!
Let me go!
Helen! Helen!
James... are you her husband?
Er... I will be. We're, we're getting married
If I could have a quick word?
Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James
Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry
I'm afraid she's lost her baby
You did know she was pregnant?
Did you know she was pregnant?
She will be okay though, won't she?
She is, she is going to wake up, isn't she, Doctor?
Helen, for some reason I know you can hear me
I'm glad we got things sorted out... tonight
I'm glad you caught the train that day
I am going to make you so happy
I promise
Helen?
Helen!
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me, Helen?
I'm sorry I'm late Ah, no problem
I'm pleased to say your mother's showing some signs of improvement this morning
She's sitting up and she's had a full breakfast
That's great
Helen, I swear...
I'll do anything you want, Helen
Will you?
In that case, I want you to stand up...
...walk over to the door...
...open it... walk through it...
...then close it behind you
Ta-ta, mum
Call us if you have any problems at all
Thank you
You're very fortunate, Helen. You had a lucky escape
Say that again
Thank you
Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say
"Nobody expects the spanish Inquisition"